This is an excerpt from a letter written by Amy Carmichael to her mother. In the letter Amy pours out her heart and her struggles with the call to become a missionary.
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"Mother, for a long time, as you know, the thought of those dying in the dark-50,000 of them every day, while we at home live in the midst of blazing light-has been very present with me, and the longing to go to them and tell them of Jesus has been strong upon me. Everything, everything seemed to be saying "Go"; through all sounds the cry seemed to rise, "Come over and help us." Every bit of pleasure or work which has come to me has had underlying it the thought of those people who have never, never heard of Jesus; before my eyes clearer than any lovely view has been the constant picture of those millions who have no chance, and never had one, of hearing of the love which makes out lives so bright.
But home claims seemed to say "Stay," and I thought it was His will; it was, perhaps, till yesterday. I can't explain it, but lately the need to go seems to have come closer...I went to my own room and just asked the Lord what it all meant, what did He wish me to do, and, Mother, as clearly as I ever heard you speak, I heard Him say "GO YE." I never heard it just so plainly before; I cannot be mistaken, for I know He spoke. He says "Go"; I cannot stay. Mother, I feel as if I had been stabbing someone I loved...the certainty that it was His voice I heard has never wavered; though all my heart has shrunk from what it means, though I seem torn in two, and just feel one big ache all over, yet the certainty is there--He said to me "Go." Oh, nothing but that sure word, His word, could make it possible to do it, for until He spoke, and I answered, "Yes, Lord," I never knew what it would cost. These are the verses He gave me, when He spoke to me: "If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it, and whosoever will lose his life for My sake shall find it." "He that loveth father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me." "To obey is better than sacrifice."
Many difficulties have risen in my mind; they seem very great, the "crooked places" seem very cooked. But it seems to me that all He asks is that we should take the one step He shows us, and in simplest, most practical trust, leave all results to Him. Mother, I know that very few of our friends will think I am right. Those who don't know the Shepherd's voice themselves will be quite sure I am very wrong and mistaken, but He has said, "Walk before Me, and be thou perfect." He knows, and He won't let me dishonor Him by making a mistake and following my own fancy instead of Him. If it is so, He will show it to me, but if it is His will, I must do it."
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"Mother, for a long time, as you know, the thought of those dying in the dark-50,000 of them every day, while we at home live in the midst of blazing light-has been very present with me, and the longing to go to them and tell them of Jesus has been strong upon me. Everything, everything seemed to be saying "Go"; through all sounds the cry seemed to rise, "Come over and help us." Every bit of pleasure or work which has come to me has had underlying it the thought of those people who have never, never heard of Jesus; before my eyes clearer than any lovely view has been the constant picture of those millions who have no chance, and never had one, of hearing of the love which makes out lives so bright.
But home claims seemed to say "Stay," and I thought it was His will; it was, perhaps, till yesterday. I can't explain it, but lately the need to go seems to have come closer...I went to my own room and just asked the Lord what it all meant, what did He wish me to do, and, Mother, as clearly as I ever heard you speak, I heard Him say "GO YE." I never heard it just so plainly before; I cannot be mistaken, for I know He spoke. He says "Go"; I cannot stay. Mother, I feel as if I had been stabbing someone I loved...the certainty that it was His voice I heard has never wavered; though all my heart has shrunk from what it means, though I seem torn in two, and just feel one big ache all over, yet the certainty is there--He said to me "Go." Oh, nothing but that sure word, His word, could make it possible to do it, for until He spoke, and I answered, "Yes, Lord," I never knew what it would cost. These are the verses He gave me, when He spoke to me: "If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it, and whosoever will lose his life for My sake shall find it." "He that loveth father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me." "To obey is better than sacrifice."
Many difficulties have risen in my mind; they seem very great, the "crooked places" seem very cooked. But it seems to me that all He asks is that we should take the one step He shows us, and in simplest, most practical trust, leave all results to Him. Mother, I know that very few of our friends will think I am right. Those who don't know the Shepherd's voice themselves will be quite sure I am very wrong and mistaken, but He has said, "Walk before Me, and be thou perfect." He knows, and He won't let me dishonor Him by making a mistake and following my own fancy instead of Him. If it is so, He will show it to me, but if it is His will, I must do it."
1 comment:
wow, that's good to read.
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